night one.

tonight went well.  it feels silly though when, because i'm calm and quiet, more selective with words and conversation, people ask if i'm okay.  when i say yes, it's "no, really, you can talk to me."  well, yes, i know, but i just want to sit silently right now.

it's unfortunate that my boyfriend is staying at work another night.  he travels doing building automations.  makes a nice living for himself but it is really difficult on the two of us.  i think that is a contributor to my needing to be more emotionally healthy.  i need to be stronger if i want this to work.  i have to be strong in a way that is patient, understanding and able to accept the way things are.  i can understand he is staying another night tonight, because he has a few days off coming up and we're never really that lucky to have that.  i just wish, so bad, some nights that i could come home to more than a messy house.  at least a handsome, snuggly man in a messy house.

i say messy because i live with four boys.  what was i thinking?  they are awesome, but their habits are not.  i am far too clean to deal with the disaster most days.  a clean space allows me to concentrate more appropriately.  but today i also decided, you know what?  i have to let go of the things i cannot control.  so if we get evicted because they are slobs, so be it.  (i say eviction because our lease says it has to be show ready at all times...our home is for sale while we rent it)

anyway, i wanted to report that night one went okay.  the inappropriate and outwardly impatient chef was not in tonight so i have not been challenged yet with him in this new journey, though.  that will be the tough part at work.  letting go of all the bullshit that happens in the industry.

i am alone tonight at my home.  i'm listening to alison krauss as i wrap this up.  i think i'll go fold some laundry, listen to music, and hopefully fall asleep at a reasonable hour tonight.

things i am thankful for this evening:

the dear on my road stayed on the side, so i could look at it's beauty and not worry about it running out into my truck

three handsome dogs with wagging tails.  they love me unconditionally.

that my cat is inside this evening, no need to worry about larger animals eating her while she adventures at night!

bluegrass.

xo
love
e

Starting today

Starting today.  Right here.  Right now.

My journey of toe wiggling & peace finding begins.  On my way, I will find a sense of calm, a life of peace, and a confidence of self as I trace my energy from beyond my finger tips through my roots to the depths of the many layers that will ground me.

I will be:

proactive
calm
non judgmental
aware
grounded
confident
focused
poised
positive
independent

I almost wrote confident again.  This indicates to me that maybe, just maybe I am lacking it that much that I need it twice as much.

Note to self:  Confidence needs attention.

Today was spent thinking.
Tonight will be spent doing.

Off to work I go, wish me luck.

xo
love
e